An Odessey of My Own
Author: Protogod
Comments: 117 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 8396
Should you read on,
you shall hear
a tale of adventure
excitement, and fear
Fifty one marines
on a far away base
Fighting for the survival
of the human race.
But now only one stands,
he stands alone.
The others struck down,
down to the bone.
Two this morning
five yesterday
ten in April
thirteen in May
one in August
four in December
five in October
the same in November
All killed by zerg,
the creatures of hell,
with bullets reflected
by their carapace-shell
And now there's just one
that single marine
who is low on supplies
and running frightfully lean
I am that one
that single marine.
They called me a well oiled
fighting machine.
But the oil's spread thin
and the battery's low.
Soon to be scrap,
that I do know.
I raise my visor
in wondrous awe
for I simply cannot
believe what I saw.
Battlecruisers and carriers
drop through the sky.
The sea has just parted,
as if solely for I.
Thousands of zerg
now lie dead.
Cold on the ground,
like Billy, or Fred
Even with saviors
something's amiss
God couldn't leave it
as simple as this.
And so they depart,
their mission complete.
Yet I am left here,
with resources deplete.
Now I reign king
on this cold lifeless world.
Into this miserable fate
I was hurled.
I've one bullet left.
Only one thing to do.
As if a string puppet,
I now take my cue...
you shall hear
a tale of adventure
excitement, and fear
Fifty one marines
on a far away base
Fighting for the survival
of the human race.
But now only one stands,
he stands alone.
The others struck down,
down to the bone.
Two this morning
five yesterday
ten in April
thirteen in May
one in August
four in December
five in October
the same in November
All killed by zerg,
the creatures of hell,
with bullets reflected
by their carapace-shell
And now there's just one
that single marine
who is low on supplies
and running frightfully lean
I am that one
that single marine.
They called me a well oiled
fighting machine.
But the oil's spread thin
and the battery's low.
Soon to be scrap,
that I do know.
I raise my visor
in wondrous awe
for I simply cannot
believe what I saw.
Battlecruisers and carriers
drop through the sky.
The sea has just parted,
as if solely for I.
Thousands of zerg
now lie dead.
Cold on the ground,
like Billy, or Fred
Even with saviors
something's amiss
God couldn't leave it
as simple as this.
And so they depart,
their mission complete.
Yet I am left here,
with resources deplete.
Now I reign king
on this cold lifeless world.
Into this miserable fate
I was hurled.
I've one bullet left.
Only one thing to do.
As if a string puppet,
I now take my cue...
| 1, Ihatezerg | |||||||
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You STILL sound like delta | ||||||
| 2, Geckat | |||||||
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Yeah, this was really quite good. You weren't kidding when you said that poems are your strong point. 'Nuff said. Exceptional. | ||||||
| 3, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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damnit, this is the first thing i write for like 3 months, and the first good thing in like a year, and no one fucking reads it other than the bscorg crew, who could just read it there (many of whom did) WTF!!! |
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| 4, IxionsRevenge | |||||||
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Guess what PAL!, I'm still going to comment on it. It flowed very nicely throughout with the exception of two lines] like Billy, or Fred with resources deplete Other then that it was well done. -Ixion |
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| 5, BBZZZZZ | |||||||
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I've one bullet left. Only one thing to do. As if a string puppet, I now take my cue... What an end men! voted exceptional |
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| 6, Geckat | |||||||
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Alright. On second glance, I do have a tip for you on your poetry. dont maek ur titel look liek it wuz ritten by a totle noob! lol, spell-check your title. 'an odessey of my own' |
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| 7, FeatherSword | |||||||
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Minus the title, it's awesome. I'll from you about poems for sure. | ||||||
| 8, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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i know, i tried to change the title, actually, but the craptacular site program wont let me without destroying this page. anyway, sry bout the title, guys. update: btw, this made it to popular which means: I FREAKING LOVE YOU GUYS (with one exception, who knows who he is) -god bless. update#2: "ill from you poems for sure" wtf |
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| 9, Ihatezerg | |||||||
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damn right i know who i am | ||||||
| 10, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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quiet you, i meant ixion | ||||||
| 11, Geckat | |||||||
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Hey, Proto, I thought you weren't religeous? Anyhoo, yeah, I tried to change the title too. What it does is it changes the page to /fanfiction/poetryandhumour/An+Odyssey+of+My+Own, but the link to the page doesn't change. The page doesn't get destroyed, it just gets moved without getting the link's permission .So...I dunno. I had never tried to change a title before, so I'm going to have to add that to the list of things I'll ask BST about when he gets back. btw w00t /me 's loveded!!!!1 |
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| 12, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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im not religious. one of my favorite passtimes is telling people why their religion is wrong. what compells you to even ask that? |
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| 13, 5Daimyo | |||||||
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Great stuff and very enjoyable. | ||||||
| 14, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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yup, go poetry, the easiest and most heartfelt of all literature! | ||||||
| 15, Yossarian | |||||||
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Yeah, definitely worth at least a couple of reads. Maybe I'll even memorize it . . . Apart from a couple grammar mistakes (which I'm not going to point out for the benefit of our mutual sanity), it's all good. I like the theme, I like the story, I like the ending. The only real big improvement you could've made, I think, is adding more feeling and drama. I mean, if the guys gonna kill himself in the end, you want the reader to feel his sadness. Maybe others did, but I think I felt that it was funny. Don't which line exactly did that . . . But, anyhow, you get my point, right?So, there that is. Hey, Daim, what do you do these days? I don't just mean SC or SC.org, but in general? Don't see you around much any more. You know, guys, it's up to us to keep this site going. The new guys, they're not quite ready yet. We still need to keep on posting good stuff like this. And about the title - you can change it whenever you want, no hassle. I never had any problems with it, but that's just the almighty me. Cheers |
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| 16, Ihatezerg | |||||||
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pfft | ||||||
| 17, DeltaSquad | |||||||
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i wouldn't go easiest, but yes, most heart felt at times | ||||||
| 18, JoJaysius | |||||||
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Good poetry is easy to write...my best poems are a cinch to write. If it is hard to write a poem, you shouldn't be writing it, as I always say. Or at least, as I've said now. But that's just me. -JoJaysius |
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| 19, TrashCanMan | |||||||
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ELITE FICTION! Seriously, this deserves to be there. | ||||||
| 20, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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"elite fiction!" i like that idea. hey geck, get over here! |
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| 21, BSTRhino | |||||||
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I read it, and I think it might be my favourite poem on the site protogod, even compared to OneLoneMarine's poem in the elite section. Exceptional from me. Once it's off the popular list let me tell you that it'll definitely go into elite fiction. So, you can rejoice protogod. You might need to remind me when it's off the popular list to stick it into elite though, send a message through the feedback panel if it looks like I've forgotten. | ||||||
| 22, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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god bless you | ||||||
| 23, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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popular fiction look out, I just submitted another poem! | ||||||
| 24, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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lol, its actually just average, oh well | ||||||
| 25, Ireng | |||||||
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Very impressive. Really. Just one thing, respect the quanitity of syllabes, since sometimes you jump from 5 to 8 and so on. Exceptional. |
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| 26, AXLESTEEL | |||||||
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Well done..... well done indeed... | ||||||
| 27, OutlawedTemplar | |||||||
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holy fuck (censored) jesus CHRIST! that ****** rules! GOOD **** JOB! keep up the good work. you should work or write short poems. 2 thumbs up. exceptional | ||||||
| 28, ItGetsTHeHose21 | |||||||
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DUDE I READ IT, IT WAS GREAT! I DIDNT THINK ANYONE ELSE HAD MY IMAGINATION. | ||||||
| 29, Richardc269 | |||||||
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Great poem. Voted Exceptional. | ||||||
| 30, blackaznkid | |||||||
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so the guy killed himself? | ||||||
| 31, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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no, he lived happily ever after... guess who's unbanned....wait...i already commented...damnit |
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| 32, Trizelda | |||||||
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For #30. Your a nine year old noob. Nice poem. |
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| 33, Geckat | |||||||
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Yo Proto, where's that Christmas poem?? | ||||||
| 34, DontShoot | |||||||
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Aw, don't be mean to little kids, Trizelda... they don't know any better! And Proto, your excellent poem has inspired me to write my first poem since joining this site, though it's probably not as good as yours. Maybe someday I'll be able to write poems like this! (Look Ma, I have a role model... okay not really, but it still gets an exceptional vote with accolades, so don't smart off at me) WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 35, Trizelda | |||||||
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Thats nice.. | ||||||
| 36, DontShoot | |||||||
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I SAID DON'T SMART OFF (meanie) ![]() WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 37, DarkTempest | |||||||
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I voted average, its a rip off of "One Lone Marine"(in the Elite short stories). Still pretty good though. | ||||||
| 38, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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yo darktempest, if you compare my masterpiece of poetry, to that sonnet again and i'll tear out your tongue and beat you to death with a rusty shovel... maybe not literally, but i take offense to that, as they are in fact, notably different stories. |
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| 39, DarkTempest | |||||||
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I think I just double posted(ignore it) | ||||||
| 40, DontShoot | |||||||
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No, this is indeed original. Alas, but what's this? YOUR POEM IS SLIPPING DOWN THE POPULAR LIST! That can only mean one thing... Time for it to take its rightful place in the Elite Section! Congratulations, protogod, you've earned it. Free Doritos for you. Huzzah. WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 41, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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lmao, im liking you more n more dontshoot | ||||||
| 42, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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*tumbleweed* | ||||||
| 43, DontShoot | |||||||
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Flattering. ![]() |
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| 44, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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yeah, that tumbleweed should be honored i mentioned it | ||||||
| 45, DontShoot | |||||||
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I honor you, *tumbleweed*. The deed is done. I'll check the Elite Section every so often now that this is off the Popular List. This had better be up there soon. Or else the staff will get an earful from me. ![]() WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 46, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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huzzah! strangely enough this is starting to remind me of scifi's "disciples" from awhile back |
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| 47, BSTRhino | |||||||
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We've got guests at our host right this second, when they leave I'll be back on to place this poem in the elite section. If I could do it in one click it would already be done, but I have to go into the database to do it, so it'll have to be later. | ||||||
| 48, Geckat | |||||||
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*hangs 'Do Not Disturb' sign on BST's ear* | ||||||
| 49, BSTRhino | |||||||
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lol, doesn't that make me look cute? | ||||||
| 50, JimRaynor117 | |||||||
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Elite section with a good rating? people should give better. I think this one's new, and hey, it's nothing too different from the style of proto's other works. I won't rate, b/c I piss him off. Jim Raynor. Out. (Not TO piss him off, mind all of you.) |
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| 51, Geckat | |||||||
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Well, Jim, before 'the others' came, this was doing Exceptional, easy. Yeah, I call them 'the others' just because they're usually the last to get there and often their judgement is impeded by the fact that the submission is already high on the Currently Popular list. Anyway, it was at the top for quite a long time; there was no doubt among the community that it deserves to be Elite (although DontShoot's poem gave him a run for his money, I must admit). |
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| 52, Whiteknight | |||||||
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I have to admit, this is pretty good. However, there are quite a few places where the meter falters which could be easiliy fixed, and that detracted from the experience somewhat. | ||||||
| 53, JimRaynor117 | |||||||
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Did DontShoot's poem make Elite? | ||||||
| 54, Geckat | |||||||
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I think it'll be an injustice if it doesn't eventually. It was influenced by Proto's work and in many peoples' opinion did just as well. | ||||||
| 55, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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midnight patrol was almost something i would write. it sucks having competition from someone, but he's really good, and deserves to be up in elite too. besides, he's nice to me ![]() |
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| 56, JimRaynor117 | |||||||
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mfah! mfah grubbly!! | ||||||
| 57, Geckat | |||||||
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@ Jim: That's enough of that, now. *tears out stitches*. Wanna know where they're going next? @ Proto: It's good to have competition. That's what America's built on, isn't it? lol. Without someone else being around your level that might even have a chances of being better than you, what's going to compel you to surpass that? |
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| 58, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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i didnt say anything bad about dontshoot, i like him. anthoo, other ppl dont inspire me that much. spartan117-john was the only person who ever really inspired me to write, cause he went easy on me when i didnt know how to write good. other than him its up to me and whats going on in my life to inspire me to better my work. |
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| 59, Bigbluemonkey290 | |||||||
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U wanna know what americas built on? If u asked Geckat hed say soil, i'd say one big muffin. The bread that u eat is like the people. The chocolate chips are like the corrupt politicians, we dont need them, and well still have a muffin to eat. The paper that holds the muffin together is Starcraft, without it, we will fall. | ||||||
| 60, DontShoot | |||||||
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LoL I hadn't been checking the Elite Section lately, so I didn't know until just now that this finally made it up there. Congratulations, protogod! ![]() As for the whole competition thing... Well, I dunno if I like to think of protogod as my competition. We're really both just talented poets who happen to be on the same site and vying to be first under Popular Fiction... ah, what the hey. Protogod's better than me right now, and he's the benchmark for my work. Alright, I guess we could be considered "competitors." But we're both alright with each other. That's it for now, and once again, congratulations. WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 61, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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shh, if we make this look like big competition we could make the news post! [/whisper] YOU POOPIE HEAD! |
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| 62, Bigbluemonkey290 | |||||||
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Thats right men, use G-rated terms like what the hey, this is after all a EC (early Childhood) game. I mean Starcraft. An i dont think either Protogod or Dontshoot are good, after all, no one man can beat the rhymes busted out by none other than FreeMan213 who is currently on the 125 spot for Fiction, but hell make it, youll see. P.S. we have to get Shakira to write a song about Starcraft, even though shell have to be really drunk and beyond high. P.S.S., how long have u been playing SC Proto? P.S.S.S. wow, these comment sections are turning into chat rooms. |
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| 63, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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bbm, be quiet, would you? thanks | ||||||
| 64, BrotherGreen (Section Moderator) | |||||||
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Yes, even The great Brother shows up for the skillz poem. I just read it over. Not quite as moving as One Lone Marine, but still worthy of elite here. =) Good job proto. |
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| 65, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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even bro green has arrived...im...unimpressed | ||||||
| 66, DontShoot | |||||||
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Who's Freeman213? | ||||||
| 67, DontShoot | |||||||
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Hey, I was just reading a few comments again, and I made this startling realization... PROTOGOD YOU LEARNED HOW TO CAPITALIZE OH MY GOD LET'S HAVE A PARADE RIGHT NOW!!!! WAIT DONT SHOOT (I'll let you be in the parade) |
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| 68, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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lol, damn capitals | ||||||
| 69, kirbyoftheworld | |||||||
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not bad.........I've read better. | ||||||
| 70, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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kirby, i liked you better when you were banned | ||||||
| 71, Geckat | |||||||
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Me too. Good thing he is again, I guess. | ||||||
| 72, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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lol | ||||||
| 73, Geckat | |||||||
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Only two posts before it happened...I wonder if that's a record? | ||||||
| 74, DontShoot | |||||||
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Haha, kirby sucks at life... who wants to be in the "Protogod can now use capital letters" parade? Fire hydrants filled with beer shall line the streets, and people will dump bags of chips out open windows as confetti... imagine how kickass this'll be! WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 75, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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im sure AJ would like to be in the parade! | ||||||
| 76, Geckat | |||||||
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Dude, I didn't even see that! I'm off to go make a news post about it .Meh, on second thought, I'm not in the mood. Just have this novelty t-shirt. |
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| 77, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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bastard, i had my hopes up, i thought maybe i could hide the revamp article... | ||||||
| 78, BrotherGreen (Section Moderator) | |||||||
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You should be impressed - ass. When was the last time I came here for anything? |
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| 79, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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true enough, bg | ||||||
| 80, DontShoot | |||||||
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Ha, BrotherGreen said "ass." ![]() WAIT DONT SHOOT |
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| 81, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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XP | ||||||
| 82, DontShoot | |||||||
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XD | ||||||
| 83, someguyontuesday | |||||||
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I liked it alot, but poetry and SC hardly mix, so he pulled it off rather well. | ||||||
| 84, XMcKaydX | |||||||
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hey guys if u going to post short msgs plz do it on MSN plz LOL Your "Fan" XMcKaydX |
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| 85, TheZharde | |||||||
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wow this post is so far at the end that no ones going to bother check it down here. Thats why he comment hasnt really got anything to do with the poem. Ahh might aswell say something......t'was good | ||||||
| 86, abcxyzzzz | |||||||
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Excuse me for barging in on your string of positive comments, but I believe that you have room for improvement. Congratulations on writing so many short stories. Remember that your objective should be to write only a few good ones rather than a flurry of bad ones. I did not even finish reading your poem to judge it a 1 out of 10 according to English critics. You made an okay attempt, but rhyming is more complicated than that... Your abcb defe rhymes are the most commonplace of all rhyming schemes, and you use various lines such as "like Billy, or Fred" simply to fill space and complete the rhyme. Such instances are NEVER present in a good lyric, and should you attempt to become a good writer, you must make EVERY SINGLE WORD COUNT, improve your rhythm, and use various devices such as metaphor and alliteration. For example, my poem (which is only slightly related to StarCraft) makes use of more deeply human emotions and realities. It's also meant to be a lyric... As you read the following, keep track of the rhyming and the number of syllables per line: Have you ever thought, Whether war is fun or not? If your answer's not true, Let me tell you a thing or two. War undoes society, It's all weary and dreary, And besides all the parry, It is neither fair nor airy. War is not what boys play, It rends souls apart day by day, War is not what boys say, Pleasant as they think it may. Decay is everywhere, And not a puff of fresh air. Staying outside none will dare, And the soil untilled is bare. Families bought and sold, And to horrors yet untold, And except for morbid ghouls, War is grief and woe. Your land is in blood smears, Your men in a vale of tears. Recall your knights and fyrd, Make the peace we hold so dear. |
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| 87, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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since no one's gonna see this anyway (except the mods )i'd like to take this opportunity to say - go die in a fire you faggoty piece of shit. im not some 3 year old who cant figure out what he did wrong on his own. and who are you to judge me? you didnt even read it all and you give me a 1/10? wtf is that. that is the callsign of a n00b critic. i suggest you commit suicide and make the world a better place |
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| 88, abcxyzzzz | |||||||
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where did comment 88 go? I understand that you do not consider my judgment beneficial, and indeed, you will continue to think that way until you have encountered literary masterpieces. I will now go into an in-depth analysis of your piece; bear with me to the end, unlike your last visit (you probably did not even read it all, since you left no comment): Should you read on, you shall hear a tale of adventure excitement, and fear Your introduction serves to give away the plot of your piece. It also dulls the edge; you as a writer should strive to interest and awe the reader, and this stanza tells the audience what you are about to tell them, thus lessening the effect of your piece. Fifty one marines on a far away base Fighting for the survival of the human race. This stanza stikes any reader as an attempt to appear important. This is the strategy that many movies use, saying that humanity is about to come to an end. Is it really? This makes your story appear fake, especially since the ending contradicts this (the fleets abandon the planet? So did humanity die out?). But now only one stands, he stands alone. The others struck down, down to the bone. Lines 2 and 4 are repetitious and thus serve no purpose in your story. If one stands, of course he stands alone; line 2 provides no additional meaning to your piece. If one is struck down, where is he struck down to, his flesh? This strikes the experienced reader as simply an attempt to rhyme. Two this morning five yesterday ten in April thirteen in May one in August four in December five in October the same in November All killed by zerg, the creatures of hell, with bullets reflected by their carapace-shell And now there's just one that single marine who is low on supplies and running frightfully lean I am that one that single marine. They called me a well oiled fighting machine. But the oil's spread thin and the battery's low. Soon to be scrap, that I do know. The next few stanzas are both repetitious, mundane, and surreal. They seem like a list, not a poem; and the next lines are an obvious attempt to portray your hero in a romantic fashion. This tactic has been overused by writers since the beginning of history to the point that it is no longer attractive. I understand that you do not consider my judgment beneficial, and indeed, you will continue to think that way until you have encountered literary masterpieces. I will now go into an in-depth analysis of your piece; bear with me to the end, unlike your last visit (you probably did not even read it all, since you left no comment): Should you read on, you shall hear a tale of adventure excitement, and fear Your introduction serves to give away the plot of your piece. It also dulls the edge; you as a writer should strive to interest and awe the reader, and this stanza tells the audience what you are about to tell them, thus lessening the effect of your piece. I raise my visor in wondrous awe for I simply cannot believe what I saw. This is both an appeal to romanticism (making the hero look cool) and forged suspense (what do you mean, 'cannot believe?' This should never be in a literary work, since your next lines contradict it (even though you may use such language in everyday life, this is unacceptable for a good piece). Battlecruisers and carriers drop through the sky. The sea has just parted, as if solely for I. Sea of what? This stanza seems illogical; you should never introduce any discrepancies in your storyline after the first few lines. Also, lines 3-4 seem ambiguous; just what is happening? Thousands of zerg now lie dead. Cold on the ground, like Billy, or Fred Lines 3 and 4 are repetitive once again. 'lie dead' and 'cold on the ground' are too similar in meaning, and line 4 seems to be simply an attempt to complete the rhyme. You should NEVER introduce a line just to fit the story; the line damages the flow of the story and leaves readers dangling--who are Billy and Fred? You never mention them again in your piece, and as a result readers can no longer connect to them. Even with saviors something's amiss God couldn't leave it as simple as this. Who believes this line, you or the character? Who are the saviors? Additionally, you never reveal what is actually amiss. This seems sentimental--an obvious instance of heartstring-pulling. Sentimentality is good for appealin to the masses, but as you become more experienced you must move away from this, which cannot attach to more experienced readers. And so they depart, their mission complete. Yet I am left here, with resources deplete. Who is 'they'? The battlecruisers, carriers, zerg, or even the other fifty marines? You must make the answer clear, for it can have DRASTIC results on how to interpret your piece. If they refers to battlecruisers or carriers, then you create a sense of forlornness. If they refers to zerg, then you create a sense of triumph, and mission's completion equals failure. If they refers to the marines, then departure refers to death, and mission refers to what they have done in life. If you don't clarify, then you cannot convey ANY of these interpretations. Then on line 4, it should say 'depleted' in order to make sense, which will not be possible; you must therefore find another phrase to complete the rhyme. Also, lines 3 and 4 seem familiar--you referenced their lack of material before. Don't repeat yourself. Now I reign king on this cold lifeless world. Into this miserable fate I was hurled. Avoid passive tense (I was hurled). Additionally, line 1 and 3 contradict (miserable to be a king? Even if a king of an empty world, yet in control of the planet nevertheless). I've one bullet left. Only one thing to do. As if a string puppet, I now take my cue... Line 1 is missing 'only' and line 2 is missing 'I've'. The simile on line 3 can become stronger if you use a metaphor. Additionally, how do you really want the piece to end? Do you want to convey a sense of choosing one's own destiny to complete your piece's sense of romanticism? Or do you want to show the hero's lack of free will, as you do here? Remember that in any situation there are more choices than a dilemma, and your piece fails to address any of the other possibilities (aside from being stuck on a world or suicide). Can the hero not make the situation to his advantage? Why would he be so eager to commit suicide? You must show the thoughts that would lead him to suicide. Is the hero out of options? Has the psychological strain on him overwhelmed him? Has he tired of life? Show us! You think I was so bold to leave a comment without reading a piece, and so eagerly make myself a novitiate critic? What I meant by "I did not even finish reading your piece to judge it a 1 out of 10" is that from my experience, I could see within the first few stanzas where your piece will lead to--it becomes too obvious--and that I retained my judgment throughout the rest of your piece. Before you criticize my means of judging you, remember that you are the flamer, not I. I only strive to improve your writing skills, hence such elaborate commentary and even posting my own piece. True, there may be flaws in my poem, but it is concise and deep. Your last comment, that I commit suicide, is one of a child attacking his parents for telling him his faults. Intellectually, you have yet to demonstrate your superiority. Your '3 year old' criticism is obviously a case of strawperson--I never wrote that you had that level of ability; in fact, I consider you a blossoming writer. Otherwise, I would not waste my time here. Who am I to judge you? My piece on comment 86 is part of a 50-piece dramatic script that brought me the Gold Key Award at the Scholastic Art and Writing Competition Regional-At-Large. I have straight A's in English since elementary school; in fact, I am valedictorian-to-be at Stanton College Prep, one of the most esteemed in the nation. I am more than just a novitiate English critic. Before you criticize me again, consider what you have just read. |
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| 89, starbright | |||||||
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Whoa there! This is like the biggest post Ever!!! Dude! It like goes onandonandonandonandonandonandon... I tried posting something very long some time ago, but it did me no good at all. It just refused to accept it. So I haven't submitted much. Seing this, maybe I can actually super-post, like this one. How'd you do it? Weird... Posting a piece within a piece. More like multiple, this is just like an essay we have to do in school, only longer. Jeez, you must have a LOT of time. Well I read some of it and it makes sense... sort of. You see it's really hard for me to understand all that. Has starcraft.org turned into a flame war? But anways, this essay above me really rocks. Maybe protogod's poem ain't so good a piece after all. What amazes me is that abc has soooooooooo much to say. ![]() |
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| 90, starcraftsrcool | |||||||
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Frankly put, protogod did an okay job right there. It's smooth and such. Then when I saw abcxyz's coment I'm just shocked, like starbrigth. Looks like proto got powned. lol that piece is like huge. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Protogod you've got to read that! My logic goes like this: If you fix up your piece then you can make fun of his uh... anyways, make fun of abc's thing all you want. But make the changes first. I agree with some of the stuff I skimmed over. No time to read it all. But you defintely should. I think he's got a point with all that. Or, evdently he thinks so. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a good idea of how to superpost, now that star mentions it: post a bit at a time. |
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| 91, Geckat | |||||||
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@ abc: This is a poem, not a story. Not everything needs to be explained. Not everything needs to build into suspense. Poetry exists to instill feelings in someone, and although this wasn't the greatest of Proto, it's still extremely good. 1) Poetry does not need to follow grammatical rules. Fragments are commonplace in poetry, and so are unsupported sentences. 2)"This stanza stikes any reader as an attempt to appear important. This is the strategy that many movies use, saying that humanity is about to come to an end. Is it really? This makes your story appear fake, especially since the ending contradicts this (the fleets abandon the planet? So did humanity die out?)." Read the title: "An Odyssey of My Own". The Odyssey is a classic piece of poetry, filled with what today we call clichés and exaggerations. Many poets use these two things for the reader to relate to when the read the piece. Ever stop to think of that? 3) "Lines 2 and 4 are repetitious and thus serve no purpose in your story. If one stands, of course he stands alone; line 2 provides no additional meaning to your piece. If one is struck down, where is he struck down to, his flesh? This strikes the experienced reader as simply an attempt to rhyme." This is just stupid. Repetitious? They ENHANCE the meaning! "He stands alone" is like adding the word 'shit!' to a scene in a movie where the protagonist is surrounded by ninjas. "Down to the bone" would suggest that he's not just looking around at these dead guys and thinking he's the only one left. He's actually hurt by their deaths. Maybe that's why he killed himself? 5) "Who believes this line, you or the character? Who are the saviors? Additionally, you never reveal what is actually amiss. This seems sentimental--an obvious instance of heartstring-pulling. Sentimentality is good for appealin to the masses, but as you become more experienced you must move away from this, which cannot attach to more experienced readers." Uhh...the poem is written in first person. Obviously he's writing in the point of view from the character - if he suddenly switched to his (protogod's) opinion, that would be switching PoVs. Think back to eighth grade English. Sentimentality is good in poems. Again, they don't just tell a story. If Proto wanted to tell a story, he'd submit fanfiction. Of course he wants some sentimentality. The last sentence pissed me off - 'more experienced readers.' what, so now there's a science telling you how to read and respond to a piece of poetry? Hold on...my textbook here says that this line is a cliché. I might still be effected by it emotionally, but I'm an EXPERIENCED READER so this must be bullshit. Uh-huh? 6) "Who is 'they'? The battlecruisers, carriers, zerg, or even the other fifty marines? You must make the answer clear, for it can have DRASTIC results on how to interpret your piece. If they refers to battlecruisers or carriers, then you create a sense of forlornness. If they refers to zerg, then you create a sense of triumph, and mission's completion equals failure. If they refers to the marines, then departure refers to death, and mission refers to what they have done in life. If you don't clarify, then you cannot convey ANY of these interpretations. Then on line 4, it should say 'depleted' in order to make sense, which will not be possible; you must therefore find another phrase to complete the rhyme. Also, lines 3 and 4 seem familiar--you referenced their lack of material before. Don't repeat yourself." Although I agree with the stanza repetition in this case, I disagree that the reader needs to know who left. The protagonist is left on the world, alone. Both sides have obviously retreated, but he's stayed. Why? That's up to the reader. That's the great thing about this kind of writing, is that you can make your own interpretation. Take the end of Beowulf - triumph or loss? Same thing here. 7) "Avoid passive tense (I was hurled). Additionally, line 1 and 3 contradict (miserable to be a king? Even if a king of an empty world, yet in control of the planet nevertheless)." Contradiction can be good. You see oxymorons a lot in poetry, and this is just another one that you've somehow dismissed as a mistake. A sad king would refer to someone getting to the top and yet still being disatisfied. Someone who feels that life, no matter what, can only get worse. Another reference of the self-inflicted tragedy to come. 8) "Line 1 is missing 'only' and line 2 is missing 'I've'. The simile on line 3 can become stronger if you use a metaphor. Additionally, how do you really want the piece to end? Do you want to convey a sense of choosing one's own destiny to complete your piece's sense of romanticism? Or do you want to show the hero's lack of free will, as you do here? Remember that in any situation there are more choices than a dilemma, and your piece fails to address any of the other possibilities (aside from being stuck on a world or suicide). Can the hero not make the situation to his advantage? Why would he be so eager to commit suicide? You must show the thoughts that would lead him to suicide. Is the hero out of options? Has the psychological strain on him overwhelmed him? Has he tired of life? Show us!" He wanted his piece to end as it did, obviously. More contradictions - the 'romanticism' near the beginning and middle, with the final shattering of mind and free will at the end. Again, it leaves a lot up to the reader. Do you really like your poetry all laid out for you? Do you really like just turning page to page without the need to think about how you, as a human being, respond to the story and imagery rather than what your text tells you? Because that contradicts your not reading the entire poem to begin with, saying that the plot was given away in the first stanza. Other than that, I think your review has merit, despite the bluntness of your response. Please know now, though, that I dislike with a passion you people who write poetry to conform with the canon and read it likewise. "Fetch yourself a soul; come back and see me." .~~~~ "Have you ever thought, Whether war is fun or not? If your answer's not true, Let me tell you a thing or two." Starts out very weak-sounding, and for AABB the rhythm is off. Feels distracting. The last line makes it sound like some old grandpa telling his kid that the Chinese will one day rule the world, and doesn't invite the reader to think and give their opinion. "War undoes society, It's all weary and dreary, And besides all the parry, It is neither fair nor airy." Whoa...ABBB? And for a poem about war, it sure is floaty, especially since the first line sounds quite solid and political. You're sending mixed emotions here just by the synonyms you choose. With such a controversial subject, you probably should try and avoid jumping around so much that way. "War is not what boys play, It rends souls apart day by day, War is not what boys say, Pleasant as they think it may." Good ."Decay is everywhere, And not a puff of fresh air. Staying outside none will dare, And the soil untilled is bare." Rhyming sounds forced. Number one killer of good poetry. Break the habit ."Families bought and sold, And to horrors yet untold, And except for morbid ghouls, War is grief and woe." Who are these morbid ghouls? I'm thinking politicians that direct their troops from behind a desk, but correct me if I'm wrong. btw, AABC now? Your rhyme scheme changes from stanza to stanza. More distractions. "Your land is in blood smears, Your men in a vale of tears. Recall your knights and fyrd, Make the peace we hold so dear." LOVE IT. **** Overall, it did jump around a lot. While the first couple lines sounded like Grandpa regailing us with tales of him in his military prime, the last couple lines spoke of death and decay and shredded hearts. That's the major thing you should watch out for in the future; use your thesaurus and find synonyms that 'sound' like they suit the theme better. Can't decide between Good and Exceptional (I usually can't). Whatever. Good.5. Keep writing .btw, just from a mod...try not to double-post like that. You posted half of your post twice, somehow. Normally I wouldn't mind so much, but it sure took a toll on the page's overall length. @ Protogod: Warning for flaming. I don't care whether he offended you or not - there's better ways of dealing with it than calling him a 'faggoty piece of shit'. |
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| 92, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |
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