Chivalrous Valiancy
Author: Protogod
Comments: 9 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 1637
Medals of gold and silver
Are superfuous expenses,
While men without bullets
Lie mangled on fences.
For a painstaken trimming
And a suit that looks slimming,
To adorn the commander
Who fought long ago,
But what of his men does he know?
Just statistics and deaths,
And a phrase or two
From their last dying breaths.
A man takes a bullet
To save his comrade.
A boy holds a corpse
That once was his dad.
Metals, steel and ore,
Are in short supply.
Unlike those of yore,
By the thousands we'll die.
The bugle and charge
Are two more seals broken,
And just like our deaths
They're only a token...
Are superfuous expenses,
While men without bullets
Lie mangled on fences.
For a painstaken trimming
And a suit that looks slimming,
To adorn the commander
Who fought long ago,
But what of his men does he know?
Just statistics and deaths,
And a phrase or two
From their last dying breaths.
A man takes a bullet
To save his comrade.
A boy holds a corpse
That once was his dad.
Metals, steel and ore,
Are in short supply.
Unlike those of yore,
By the thousands we'll die.
The bugle and charge
Are two more seals broken,
And just like our deaths
They're only a token...
| 1, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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Forgive me if I used too many nuiances. I referenced the bible for the "broken seals" (see revelations) I used the phrase "only a token" which may be a bit confusing to some people unfamiliar with the phrase (it means its unimportant, insignificant, or something that gives you character) every-other stanza had a different scheme, which built up by one line throughout the poem, until which it reached 4 lines, where I referenced my first stanza, comparing the medals of the generals to the lack of metal avaliable for those fighting. I just point this out because I'm afraid I may have been too subtle. |
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| 2, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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EDIT: I explained my stanza scheme incorrectly. I started with the base of four, then i went two. after that I had two stanzas (the same number of lines as the stanza before it) with 3 lines each. Then I had 3 stanzas (the number of lines from the previous stanza) with 4 each, which closed the parallel structure of the "metal//medal" idea. |
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| 3, Geckat | |||||||
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Ahh, Proto, I expected better of you  .Might be just me. I don't like the way your rhyme/rhythm scheme changes through each. Yeah, I see your explanation, but it seems forced...like you changed the scheme to make it rhyme properly as you wanted it to. When you do that, it makes the reader pause in the middle of a poem repeatedly to get the scheme back in his head, rather than letting it flow right through him. Don't ask me why, it's just how it works. The text is nothing all that new, either. More war n' gore. Great last couple lines (I liked the seals reference; it worked really well, and it was mercifully something different). Sorry, man. This just gets an Average from me. It still sounds like a thesaurus, but it's a little dead. Very blunt, without any of the usually associated emotion. Ending pulled off well, but I think you need new material. You're an open-minded guy  . Try something like...maybe a dude who's enjoying war as though he were playing a video game, or write from the point of view of a dead civilian watching his side terrorising the innocents of the enemy.I know you're too proud to take much of my advice anyway, so I'll stop here. But thanks for the read all the same. You're a great skalding of SC.Org. Keep writing. |
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| 4, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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Ehh, I really want to advocate new and innovative rhyme schemes. Without that, the writing here is superbly bland. I doubt I could write about anyone enjoying war, as well, since its my opinion conveyed through these things. Pride before the fall, Geckat, but clearly I've fallen many times in the past, and I know how to get back up. This stuff makes sense in my head, but like I've said, I know it used way too many nuiances that 99% of people wouldnt understand at all. |
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| 5, Geckat | |||||||
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Yeah, most of your poems are ABCB rhyme schemes (from what I can see), which is really very common. Not very many people like free-verse, of course, but if you feel like using it you can really just let everything out without having to worry too much about schemes. And if you use shorter lines, people won't think you too much of a wash-up . Poetry is hard; not only do you have to think about your wording and your message, but all that funky stanza crap too. |
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| 6, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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You put it so eloquently- "That funky stanza crap" | ||||||
| 7, Hamsandwhich6 | |||||||
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Nice. I personally enjoyed the variance in the size of each stanza. However I do think it sounded a little bit regulated especially near the beginning. But it is still a solid piece of poetry. My vote is GOOD. %%%%%%%% |
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| 8, Haladras | |||||||
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Made sense. The said 'suit that needs trimming' is the act of an open casket, or a public offering of the body/speech for the 'hero'. The point is that they tend to whitewash war. Very touching, especially considering the current day and age. This also ties in with the superfluous medals and the funeral quotes, or the 'few words from their last dying breaths', to emphasize the government atrocities as they attempt to glorify a man's life to the point of idolatry. I appreciate this, but it didn't seem as intense as expected from the base content. The narration seemed a bit too aloof to me, as if it was some observer who cared absolutely nothing about the outcome. This may be just me, however. My final suggestion is this: don't be so caught up in nuances that you forget the emotion that your poetry is attempting to purvey. You don't have to listen to any of this, though. This is just my own advice, and it might be wrong. Redirect as needed.... Time's Immortal guardian -Haladras P.S. Heck knows, though, I like to put nuances in my poems too! Sometimes I overdo it to the extent that others don't pick up on it, though.... |
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| 9, Valstar | |||||||
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You know I liked it alot. Congrats on your wonderful writing. This probably doesnt mean much coming from a kid thats half-way around the world of course. Anyways keep up the great writing. | ||||||
