Infested Man: V
Author: DoctorOctopus
Comments: 21 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 2351
Scratched. Re-Editing.
| 1, adad64 | |||||||
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Wow... | ||||||
| 2, Prophetofchaos | |||||||
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not sure if get it in its entirity but i thought it was awesome |
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| 3, homophobic24 | |||||||
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Ditto ^. AWesome. |
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| 4, hahausuk | |||||||
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wicked could neverdo better myself exp |
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| 5, 2hededlizrd | |||||||
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Excellent stuff. The first-person history lesson at the end was a nice touch. I vote Exceptional. My new one has appeared on the New list today, if you want to take a look. -The blind will see. The deaf will hear. The mute will speak- |
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| 6, Jawz | |||||||
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Good Stuff Good Stuff. EXP |
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| 7, X9 (Section Moderator) | |||||||
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ya know, when ever I read one of doc oc's stories, there's always one default rating. I dunno how dumb I am to just suddenly belatedly realize that. anyone wanna guess what that is? ~beyond exceptional~ Cheers, X9 |
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| 8, Shadowblade | |||||||
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Thumbs up! | ||||||
| 9, joebobjim | |||||||
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long and good | ||||||
| 10, deadfast | |||||||
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Heh heh, looks like Mengsk II is a nervous wreck after what happened to his father, even though a shotgun isn't quite as tramatizing as mysteriously being thrown out of his 40th floor office window (By the way, you could have used that little tidbit if you wanted) Anywhoo, the piece is pretty sound, gramatically speaking, and the descriptions were very vivid. All I could find in terms of flaws was a missing word here or there, and, occasionally, some words were used alittle oddly: "...The Shipyards was a very 'intimate' and remote meteor..." I could nit-pick about run on sentences, but some authors purposely put them there; heck, I've done it myself. The only thing you have to watch out for is the use of words when speaking about a group, although these instances were few and far between: "...Not long after, the forms began 'its' consumption..." "...Not long after, the forms began 'their' consumption..." It seems to help if you say the sentences out loud after you type them; if it doesnt sound right, it usually isn't. So far, the storyline seems pretty intriguing; the only thing I would suggest that you alter is how it jumps around from one POV to another. Multiple POV's can be highly benefitial, but make sure to give each character plenty of time to get a scene across. If you could stretch some of the two-paragraph skits into about a page or so, it would greatly improve the flow of the work. Overall, I'd give it about a 7.5 out of 10. It gets props for its colorful descriptions and the ensuing storyline, but the minor lack of content, in some places, keeps it from scoring the gold. Keep up the good work! |
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| 11, DoctorOctopus | |||||||
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Thanks deadfast. I wanted to add that this is but a prologue, so all discrepancies will be later explained, in the first part I'm writing, but you're arguments are indeed plausible and I will raise them to question when I write. Thanks for the comments. You'll notice this is the only comment I have even bothered replying to. Thanks. P.S. Some of the parts I made short because they add to the clandestine-ness that is in need of resolve. I don't know whether I was completely successful at it. |
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| 12, 2hededlizrd | |||||||
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This is totally sick. You've got 11 votes so far, and I'm still scrabbling for Legend of Jerusalem votes... I think I'll rewrite the first part of that series. It sucked. After much digression, I vote Exceptional. I pale in comparison to your genius, sir  -The blind will see. The deaf will hear. The mute will speak- I voted already lol. Stupid me  |
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| 13, AMooseInTheGrass | |||||||
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Wowzers, this was good. I'm gonna go head and give it a 'pwns all other fics out there'. The part thats got me bopping around my room in frustration is that the story seems to be starting now, five chapters in! how can you be so cruel? "Foolish little man! Doth thou not know that one cannot see-th a Moose in the grass?" |
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| 14, Shadowblade | |||||||
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damn good piece of work mate. Still confusing in areas but exemplary writing makes up for that. |
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| 15, Shadowblade | |||||||
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Oh, sry, I meant to comment on your prologue. w/e | ||||||
| 16, HybridZ | |||||||
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teach me to write | ||||||
| 17, Haladras | |||||||
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That's what you said on mine, Hybrid. Pretty good, but my opinion on the entire series was pretty much given further on. I don't really think much of it. The plot is a tad simplistic and, worse yet, it jumps from place to place very sporadically. The writing is permeated with a juvenile air (to be frank) and doesn't really ring true with me. For example: "Hi, my name is Carl Johnsson." Don't you think he would have more memorable words for the reflection of his life as a human being. It sounds like a "what are my accomplishments in life" essay for English. Plus, the name just does not work with me. I won't wax poetic about that, though, hmm? The thoughts are clunkily introduced and are cliched. "Next time, he thought, I’ll pick an easier line of work." Wow. I can name a dozen books (from the 1900s, no less) where those very same words have been uttered in nearly the exact same sequence. This shows up numerous times. Many of the names are very uncharacteristic of their respective races. Rodriguez and Felmezar, as an example. "Arcturus Mengsk II stared out into deep, unadulterated space from his small office quarters..." This is getting ridiculous. Not only are you stealing phrases from popular culture, you're stealing anologies from other writers here on the org. The unadulterated space analogy is certainly mine, no doubt (or Asimov's-I think it's mine). Despite the misuse of words and other such mistakes mentioned by others, I found a good deal of unwieldy sentences that seemed to be shoved together. The overall nagging problem I had was the writing style, which, on the outset, seemed overwhelmingly juvenile for the type of epic writing you are attempting. Sorry to be harsh, but it seems you need this, as others have been, sadly enough, stroking your ego (I had it done to me once or twice, and I know it hurts). Time's Immortal guardian -Haladras |
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| 18, DoctorOctopus | |||||||
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Ah well. Screw it. Thanks for the comments. Besides, I don't think two words in teh same order can exactly be called stealing, and I've never read a book with the line of work thing in it. Butoh well. BEsides, this chapter isn't exactly all that great. It's just a confluence that I probably should've taped to another chapter. |
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| 19, Clone98 | |||||||
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Looks pretty good DocOc, nice to see you finally get the recognition you deserve. CLONE (*98 |
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| 20, Haladras | |||||||
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You stole an entire opening phrase from me, man. The only thing different was that it had Mengsk in it. It's called cliches. Whether or not you've heard of the cliche, you gotta avoid it, or it will come back and nip you in the bud. Votes don't mean anything, Doc. It's all about the comments that are made. People can read, or watch, stupid stuff and call it top-quality work. Just look at American Idol, for instance. You just have to work on your writing style a bit. Just like I have to work a little (just a little, however) to make my dialogue sound more like what a Joe Terran (those hicks!) would say. Time's Immortal guardian -Haladras |
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| 21, anubisfike | |||||||
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...EXP but I didnt really get the ending!! No1 was at the temple... (atleast thats where I got it) and some environment descriptions. Still EXP!! Keep up the good work |
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