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Scorched Earth My first foray into fan fiction! |
1. Scorched Earth - Prologue: Cruisin'
2. Scorched Earth - Chapter One: From the Wreckage
3. Scorched Earth - Chapter Two: Rescue
Scorched Earth - Chapter One: From the Wreckage
Author: Candle12345
Comments: 6 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 843
The dropship lay smoking quietly within the crater, it's body wrenched into an awkwardly bent position, the rear was sticking out of the edge of the crater, the cockpit end, was somewhere underground.
The jammed ramp at the rear clanged twice from the inside, then slowly tipped outwards, landing on the mixture of creep-gore and dirt with a dull thud. Brett surveyed the landscape outside the dropship, dark, forboding, filled with potential ambushes and zerg. He sighed, and stepped down onto the damp ground. A pair of marines came out, and flicked their chestlamps on, one swore:
"Shit, we're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere!"
"Sounds about right" replied his partner.
A few more marines stepped off the dropship, Josh stepped out, saw Brett and made his way towards him.
"Sarge, you want me to see if we can pull Zack outa the cockpit?"
"No, he's dead, and if not, he'd die pretty fast out here without armor."
"I spose, nobody seems to be too hurt, just a few dents here and there, shattered prides etcetera."
"Mmkay."
Brett switched on the squad intercom:
"Alright, I dunno how long we'll be here, and whether we're gunna have to move out, Josh is gunna see if he can patch up the dropship's radio, and call for help. We're gunna pull as much loose wreckage off this thing as we can, and try to put some basic defenses up. Let's move people!"
As the marines worked on the makeshift defences, Brett noticed that one of the men wasn't outside the dropship.
"Who's missing? We got 5 people out here, Josh is inside..."
T-Bone, the heavy weapon's man stood up, he scanned the group, looking at each mans graffiti.
"Sam ain't 'ere. He was in the D-Ship, didn't see him get out."
Brett sighed, of all the people to deal with, it had to be Sam...
Sam was inside the dropships small armory, sitting quietly, staring at his gauss rifle.
"What the hell are you doing in here Sam?"
"I'm not fuckin' goin' out there. There'll be zerg within the hour, mark my words. I'm stayin' in here and waitin' it out."
"So if a hydralisk were to cut his way in, you'd be able to take the bastard, alone?"
"I'd rip his eyes out."
"Get the hell out there, and rip his eyes out where you're needed then!"
Sam stood slowly, pushed Brett out of the way and headed out the dropship.
Brett headed to the front of the troop bay, Josh was fiddling with a small control panel. Without looking up, Josh clicked his radio on.
"Damn thing's not workin'. The ship's generator's on the skitz too. Not too good."
"See what you can do about the generator, the radio's obviously screwed."
"Okay, I'll see what I can -"
The smooth clang and hiss of gauss rifle fire was heard outside the ship. T-Bone's voice came over the comm channel:
"Lings sarge, not too many, but some backup would be good."
"Okay, I'll be right out, Josh, keep trying, we can handle this stuff."
Brett stepped out of the dropship, the skirmish wasn't a big one, 20 or so zerglings had assaulted the wreckage, 4 were already dead outside the makeshift walls. Brett's pilot lights flicked on.
"Who want's some" he muttered.
Brett rushed out off the ramp, and torched a pair of zerglings ganging up on T-Bone, a marine on the right of the defences was engulfed in a pile of zerglings, screams came across the comm, and the two marine's near him opened fire on the writhing mass, and it slowly became still. 7 zerglings burst through the walls, two marines turned to open fire, 2 went down, 3 headed towards Brett, while the remaining pair rushed T-Bone. Brett Kicked the first in the head, braining it, the next zergling leaped for his chestplate, claws outstretched, Brett smacked it down in midair with both fists, scorching the stunned zergling as it tried to stand up again. T-Bone's gauss had taken out one of the zerglings, but the other was now slashing at his chest plate. T-Bone swung his rifle like a club, smashing the zergling off him, he raised the gauss rifle and stabbed down into the zerglings skull with the bayonet. Another zergling seeing the now stuck rifle lunged for T-Bone, but was shot down in mid-air by Samuel. Brett burnt another zergling headed his way, and then scanned the skirmish. The majority of the zerg force was destroyed, 3 or 4 lay twitching, and one marine went around methodically shooting them in the head. T-Bone was still having trouble getting his rifle out of the zergling, he reached around the grip and pulled the trigger, the recoil pushing the rifle back out of the still zerglings skull.
Brett flicked the radio on:
"What's everyone's status"
The group chorussed a reply of fines and okays. Except for one.
"Dammit, they took out Izzie..."
"He was a good man..."
"No time for funerals boys, say goodbye, and chuck what's left outside the perimeter. Clear up these zerglings too."
"Hey Brett..." Josh was on the intercom.
"Sup Josh?"
"Generator is dead, completely fuckin' wasted."
"Damn, so no hope of radio eh?"
"None."
"Alright."
"Alright men, the radio and generator are fucked to Char. Gather up what you can, grab grenades from the armory, ammo, whatever. We're heading back to base, hopefully a scouting party will notice us."
"Sure Brett, let's go people!"
After a quick raid of the armory, the group of seven were gathered outside the dropship ramp.
"We got everything? Ammo? Shit like that?"
"Totally"
"Alright, stay in formation. Josh, up with me, T-Bone, watch the rear, stay together, give me a heads up if you see anything."
The party set out, chestlamps flickering over the sodden creep covered earth, they moved in formation across the landscape. The sky slowly lightened as dawn approached.
Quietly, one of the marines halted, staring off into the lightening grey sky.
"Sarge..."
"Yeah, what?"
"We have company..."
"What kind!?"
"Mutas..."
The jammed ramp at the rear clanged twice from the inside, then slowly tipped outwards, landing on the mixture of creep-gore and dirt with a dull thud. Brett surveyed the landscape outside the dropship, dark, forboding, filled with potential ambushes and zerg. He sighed, and stepped down onto the damp ground. A pair of marines came out, and flicked their chestlamps on, one swore:
"Shit, we're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere!"
"Sounds about right" replied his partner.
A few more marines stepped off the dropship, Josh stepped out, saw Brett and made his way towards him.
"Sarge, you want me to see if we can pull Zack outa the cockpit?"
"No, he's dead, and if not, he'd die pretty fast out here without armor."
"I spose, nobody seems to be too hurt, just a few dents here and there, shattered prides etcetera."
"Mmkay."
Brett switched on the squad intercom:
"Alright, I dunno how long we'll be here, and whether we're gunna have to move out, Josh is gunna see if he can patch up the dropship's radio, and call for help. We're gunna pull as much loose wreckage off this thing as we can, and try to put some basic defenses up. Let's move people!"
As the marines worked on the makeshift defences, Brett noticed that one of the men wasn't outside the dropship.
"Who's missing? We got 5 people out here, Josh is inside..."
T-Bone, the heavy weapon's man stood up, he scanned the group, looking at each mans graffiti.
"Sam ain't 'ere. He was in the D-Ship, didn't see him get out."
Brett sighed, of all the people to deal with, it had to be Sam...
Sam was inside the dropships small armory, sitting quietly, staring at his gauss rifle.
"What the hell are you doing in here Sam?"
"I'm not fuckin' goin' out there. There'll be zerg within the hour, mark my words. I'm stayin' in here and waitin' it out."
"So if a hydralisk were to cut his way in, you'd be able to take the bastard, alone?"
"I'd rip his eyes out."
"Get the hell out there, and rip his eyes out where you're needed then!"
Sam stood slowly, pushed Brett out of the way and headed out the dropship.
Brett headed to the front of the troop bay, Josh was fiddling with a small control panel. Without looking up, Josh clicked his radio on.
"Damn thing's not workin'. The ship's generator's on the skitz too. Not too good."
"See what you can do about the generator, the radio's obviously screwed."
"Okay, I'll see what I can -"
The smooth clang and hiss of gauss rifle fire was heard outside the ship. T-Bone's voice came over the comm channel:
"Lings sarge, not too many, but some backup would be good."
"Okay, I'll be right out, Josh, keep trying, we can handle this stuff."
Brett stepped out of the dropship, the skirmish wasn't a big one, 20 or so zerglings had assaulted the wreckage, 4 were already dead outside the makeshift walls. Brett's pilot lights flicked on.
"Who want's some" he muttered.
Brett rushed out off the ramp, and torched a pair of zerglings ganging up on T-Bone, a marine on the right of the defences was engulfed in a pile of zerglings, screams came across the comm, and the two marine's near him opened fire on the writhing mass, and it slowly became still. 7 zerglings burst through the walls, two marines turned to open fire, 2 went down, 3 headed towards Brett, while the remaining pair rushed T-Bone. Brett Kicked the first in the head, braining it, the next zergling leaped for his chestplate, claws outstretched, Brett smacked it down in midair with both fists, scorching the stunned zergling as it tried to stand up again. T-Bone's gauss had taken out one of the zerglings, but the other was now slashing at his chest plate. T-Bone swung his rifle like a club, smashing the zergling off him, he raised the gauss rifle and stabbed down into the zerglings skull with the bayonet. Another zergling seeing the now stuck rifle lunged for T-Bone, but was shot down in mid-air by Samuel. Brett burnt another zergling headed his way, and then scanned the skirmish. The majority of the zerg force was destroyed, 3 or 4 lay twitching, and one marine went around methodically shooting them in the head. T-Bone was still having trouble getting his rifle out of the zergling, he reached around the grip and pulled the trigger, the recoil pushing the rifle back out of the still zerglings skull.
Brett flicked the radio on:
"What's everyone's status"
The group chorussed a reply of fines and okays. Except for one.
"Dammit, they took out Izzie..."
"He was a good man..."
"No time for funerals boys, say goodbye, and chuck what's left outside the perimeter. Clear up these zerglings too."
"Hey Brett..." Josh was on the intercom.
"Sup Josh?"
"Generator is dead, completely fuckin' wasted."
"Damn, so no hope of radio eh?"
"None."
"Alright."
"Alright men, the radio and generator are fucked to Char. Gather up what you can, grab grenades from the armory, ammo, whatever. We're heading back to base, hopefully a scouting party will notice us."
"Sure Brett, let's go people!"
After a quick raid of the armory, the group of seven were gathered outside the dropship ramp.
"We got everything? Ammo? Shit like that?"
"Totally"
"Alright, stay in formation. Josh, up with me, T-Bone, watch the rear, stay together, give me a heads up if you see anything."
The party set out, chestlamps flickering over the sodden creep covered earth, they moved in formation across the landscape. The sky slowly lightened as dawn approached.
Quietly, one of the marines halted, staring off into the lightening grey sky.
"Sarge..."
"Yeah, what?"
"We have company..."
"What kind!?"
"Mutas..."
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Out of 2 voters, most think this story is Good!
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Other stories by this author: |
| 1, Candle12345 | |||||||
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*sigh* No comments..? |
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| 2, AJ (Webmaster) | |||||||
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It's alright. You have a lot of dialogue with very little description of the action taking place outside of that. This isn't always a horrible thing, but it's important to try and balance the two, especially in a longer work. I look forward to seeing more. |
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| 3, Candle12345 | |||||||
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Thanks for the tips. I'll add some more emotive actions during conversationd ![]() |
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| 4, deadfast | |||||||
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Am late, but I suppose late is better than never, so, let us have a look-see... Grammar needs a little polish, but there's note much worth picking about except for some odd sentence structure in some places: "...The dropship lay smoking quietly within the crater, it's body wrenched into an awkwardly bent position, the rear was sticking out of the edge of the crater, the cockpit end, was somewhere underground..." "...Brett surveyed the landscape outside the dropship, dark, forboding, filled with potential ambushes and zerg..." Watch your use of comma's. They are the most used form of punctuation next the the period, but be careful not to make run-on sentences with them. In the case of the first example I quoted from the text, you have only to break it up with some different punctuation and conjunctions: "...The dropship lay smoking quietly within the crater; it's body wrenched into an awkwardly bent position with the rear was sticking out of the edge of the crater. The cockpit end was somewhere underground..." I know what you meant in the case of the second quotation, and I think either : or ; would have been appropriate. "...Brett surveyed the landscape outside the dropship: dark, foreboding; filled with potential ambushes from the zerg..." From what I've read from this and the prologue (yup, went back and read it too while i was at it. Between the two, there's been some notable improvement, good work!) the overall story seems pretty interesting, even though Brett doesn't seem to worried when one of his team mates or the pilot is killed, but now I'm just ranting. "...No time for funerals boys, say goodbye, and chuck what's left outside the perimeter..." However cold hearted it may be, gotta admit I got a laugh out of it-good stuff. I noted some common spelling errors in the text, but most that could have been found with a spell checker, ('forboding' in the second quotation for example). Run the next piece through a quick spell checker, you never know what may slip have slipped through. I agree with what AJ mentioned here and what Balance said about the prologue; the stacked lines of dialog make some of the conversations seem flat and somewhat confusing. "Sarge..." "Yeah, what?" "We have company..." "What kind!?" "Mutas..." Finding ways to break up dialog can be difficult sometimes, but try to use it as opportunities to create a picture for the reader. Describe the scene; where are the characters? What's going on around them? What are they carrying? People are dynamic, and it adds to the realism if their story is explained with plenty of detail. On a final note, I must mention that the profanity was a bit on the harsh side. Even though they're marines, the abundance of it in the dialog may repel some readers. Anywhoo, in drawing my long-winded review/constructive criticism to a close, From The Wreckage wasn't bad for your second attempt at a serious piece. Some common bugs need worked out but the action scene was done well in particular, it had style and a steady, fast pace. I give it the Good; Keep working, it shows potential. |
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| 5, Candle12345 | |||||||
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Thanks for the critiscism, you really showed me some areas I need to improve on, like AJ said, I'm not descriptive enough within conversations, usually having only text. I am also a bit of a comma freak, but oh well. Why writing I didn't mean to have too much profanity, if you think it's a problem I'll cute back. the scene where they chuck his corpse over the edge, I know it seems cold, but brett really does care about his men, he just puts practicality before sentimentality. |
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| 6, deadfast | |||||||
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heh heh, the corpse chucking wasn't really a problem; it was pretty funny-I wouldn't take it out. | ||||||

















