Cerebrate Chronicals I
Author: Protogod
Comments: 39 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 3020
"This is a mission of great importance." said a voice over the radio.
"I understand." said Lt. Jack, 679th Space Marine division.
"You will be briefed by our top sniper, Capt. Smithfield."
"A sniper, I'm working with a sniper!"
"It gets worse, the sniper is also a ghost."
"Damn. Both cowardly professions."
"I'm sorry, I know you hate both, but that sniper is the only one who can get the job done."
"Alright, when do I start?"
"She's waiting in a dropship at the hangar."
"She? Wait!"
"Just try not to kill each other."
"Damn it.", thought Lt. Jack to himself. Jack and his squad headed for the hangar on the far side of the camp, when suddenly the lights went red, and a blaring siren went off. "Your mission is more important." said one of the marines. As they entered the courtyard, the squad saw the legions of zerg around the camp. A single zergling made it's way over the fence, and charged at Lt. Jack. He took it down with a single shot from his side-arm. The wall was soon shattered, however, when an ultralisk charged through it. "Enrique, Sampson, hold it off. Landsley, you're with me." ordered the desperate Lieutenant. Jack closed the blast doors behind him as he entered the terminal building, thus sealing the fate of half his squad. He and Landsley dashed down the hall, with the screams of dying men echoing throughout the corridors. As they turned the corner, they saw that a large portion of the ceiling had fallen in, and the only way to continue was through the front lines. While crouched, the two marines crossed the battlefield from behind the cement barricades. Suddenly, the goliath near them burst, and zerg overran the area. Both marines open-fired upon the zergling onslaught. The killed dozens before Landsley grabbed his grenades and jumped into the enemy lines. Using the explosion as cover, Lt. Jack ran for the next gate. He joined a small band of marines trying to retake the base. They crept stealthily through the corridor until a swarm of hydralisks ambushed them. Attacked from both sides, the marines fought fiercely, but the hydralisks seemed to have the advantage. The commander gave the order to push forward. With a concentrated line of fire, the marines broke through the hydralisks ahead of them, and ran for dear life. The hangar was close, so the marines agreed to escort Jack to the dropship.
As Jack walked down the seemingly clear hall, an orange mist surrounded the band of men. Zerglings tore through the marines at the rear, as the rest headed forward. By the time they reached the supply room, only 3 men other than jack remained. The men Grabbed their grenades and threw them behind. In an instant, the marines were soaked in zergling blood. They slowly walked in, but over a dozen zerg dropped from the ceiling. Flashes of gunfire revealed that they were'nt the first to be caught off guard. Two half-alive firebats lie in the corner, missing nearly all of their limbs. The marines fired a round for every three zerglings in the room. Only one of the four was killed in the surprise attack, but he would not be the last victim. As they left, one of the wounded hydralisks fired a blast through a marine's spine. He was killed instantly. The other fired another clip into the hydralisk and continued on. "We're almost there." said Jack. Jack turned to see the expression on his comrade's face, but instead was shocked to find a zergling dragging his decapitated body aside. Jack shot the zergling, took out his knife, and impailed it on the wall. Jack opened the door to the refueling bay, the last step before the hangar. All of the sudden a hydralisk surprised Jack from behind the door. From nowhere, twelve shots rang out. The hydralisk, and 12 other zerg creatures dropped from the ceiling, and many other hiding spots. In fact, one bullet had actually pierced through the head of one zergling, and hit the spine of a nearby hydrlisk. Out from the shadows stepped a ghost. "Captain Smithfield, I presume." said Jack.
"Yup, the very same one who just saved your ass." replied Smithfield.
"You didn't save a thing."
"Thanks for the gratitude." said Smithfield.
"I thought you were waiting in the hangar."
"I thought I might save you first."
"I DIDN't NEED TO BE SAVED."
"...Of course not." said the captain sarcastically as she put away her pistols and loaded her canister rifle. "I'll brief you on the way there."
"On the way where?" asked Lieutenant Jack.
"Why, Tarsonis of course..."
"I understand." said Lt. Jack, 679th Space Marine division.
"You will be briefed by our top sniper, Capt. Smithfield."
"A sniper, I'm working with a sniper!"
"It gets worse, the sniper is also a ghost."
"Damn. Both cowardly professions."
"I'm sorry, I know you hate both, but that sniper is the only one who can get the job done."
"Alright, when do I start?"
"She's waiting in a dropship at the hangar."
"She? Wait!"
"Just try not to kill each other."
"Damn it.", thought Lt. Jack to himself. Jack and his squad headed for the hangar on the far side of the camp, when suddenly the lights went red, and a blaring siren went off. "Your mission is more important." said one of the marines. As they entered the courtyard, the squad saw the legions of zerg around the camp. A single zergling made it's way over the fence, and charged at Lt. Jack. He took it down with a single shot from his side-arm. The wall was soon shattered, however, when an ultralisk charged through it. "Enrique, Sampson, hold it off. Landsley, you're with me." ordered the desperate Lieutenant. Jack closed the blast doors behind him as he entered the terminal building, thus sealing the fate of half his squad. He and Landsley dashed down the hall, with the screams of dying men echoing throughout the corridors. As they turned the corner, they saw that a large portion of the ceiling had fallen in, and the only way to continue was through the front lines. While crouched, the two marines crossed the battlefield from behind the cement barricades. Suddenly, the goliath near them burst, and zerg overran the area. Both marines open-fired upon the zergling onslaught. The killed dozens before Landsley grabbed his grenades and jumped into the enemy lines. Using the explosion as cover, Lt. Jack ran for the next gate. He joined a small band of marines trying to retake the base. They crept stealthily through the corridor until a swarm of hydralisks ambushed them. Attacked from both sides, the marines fought fiercely, but the hydralisks seemed to have the advantage. The commander gave the order to push forward. With a concentrated line of fire, the marines broke through the hydralisks ahead of them, and ran for dear life. The hangar was close, so the marines agreed to escort Jack to the dropship.
As Jack walked down the seemingly clear hall, an orange mist surrounded the band of men. Zerglings tore through the marines at the rear, as the rest headed forward. By the time they reached the supply room, only 3 men other than jack remained. The men Grabbed their grenades and threw them behind. In an instant, the marines were soaked in zergling blood. They slowly walked in, but over a dozen zerg dropped from the ceiling. Flashes of gunfire revealed that they were'nt the first to be caught off guard. Two half-alive firebats lie in the corner, missing nearly all of their limbs. The marines fired a round for every three zerglings in the room. Only one of the four was killed in the surprise attack, but he would not be the last victim. As they left, one of the wounded hydralisks fired a blast through a marine's spine. He was killed instantly. The other fired another clip into the hydralisk and continued on. "We're almost there." said Jack. Jack turned to see the expression on his comrade's face, but instead was shocked to find a zergling dragging his decapitated body aside. Jack shot the zergling, took out his knife, and impailed it on the wall. Jack opened the door to the refueling bay, the last step before the hangar. All of the sudden a hydralisk surprised Jack from behind the door. From nowhere, twelve shots rang out. The hydralisk, and 12 other zerg creatures dropped from the ceiling, and many other hiding spots. In fact, one bullet had actually pierced through the head of one zergling, and hit the spine of a nearby hydrlisk. Out from the shadows stepped a ghost. "Captain Smithfield, I presume." said Jack.
"Yup, the very same one who just saved your ass." replied Smithfield.
"You didn't save a thing."
"Thanks for the gratitude." said Smithfield.
"I thought you were waiting in the hangar."
"I thought I might save you first."
"I DIDN't NEED TO BE SAVED."
"...Of course not." said the captain sarcastically as she put away her pistols and loaded her canister rifle. "I'll brief you on the way there."
"On the way where?" asked Lieutenant Jack.
"Why, Tarsonis of course..."
| 1, HybridTh3ry | |||||||
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Wow.....awsome story. A tad bit too short, but it's a pretty good start. Hope to see another one soon! 076...out |
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| 2, tetztenz | |||||||
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hey i remember dis guy he wrote lotsa nice stories but i cant remember his name.ohwell... | ||||||
| 3, operationcwal | |||||||
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graet story but a bit short as hybridth3ry mentioned above.. i will be looking forward to next one | ||||||
| 4, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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I apologize for the shortcomings, basically just the fact that it's short, but ya, its a good story. hopefully I can keep the suspense up throughout the story. | ||||||
| 5, 5Daimyo | |||||||
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Unrealistic, in my opinion; or at least when it comes to conversations and speak. Fragments, which aren't bad in general (at least, in my opinion), but this story's fragments are a little too disjointed at times. I'll be honest: this is about as average as average can get. Just from this story I didn't see very much in the frames of the future for you: it just didn't show me anything. Also, isn't 'Chronicals' actually 'Chronicles'? I'm not sure, I'm not a spelling guru, but that certainly looked akward in the title. Also, add some humor: When Jack says "You didn't save a thing" Smithfield should've took a glance at Jack's, 'groin', and then quipped, "You're right, I didn't". Severely missed opportunity! |
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| 6, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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ya, i misspelled chronicles, but ill still spell it like that for the sake of symmetry. As for humor...well personally i would make a separate story for humor. what did you mean "in frames of the future for you."? are you implying that I shouldnt be a writer as an ongoing experience, or just this story? I dodnt claim to be an expert, but I like it, and apparently (other than it's length) other people are ok with it, so Im not changing a thing in my style. I could change a few details, but as far as HOW i write, too bad. I dont wanna start anything (really no flaming or anything) but seriously, one vet to another (yes, im a vet too) you write your way, ill write mine. daimyo...that name sounds familiar. I think I didnt like your style before I left. (honestly, thats just what I remember, im not sayin it just to be an ass) we can both write the way we like, theres room enough for us all. | ||||||
| 7, Silver1Penguin | |||||||
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If I'm wanting to have a lot of comments for my story, i decided that I'm gonna comment on other stories before wanting to get comments on mine, so here it is. It was good. But try not to have too much dialogue, only have them at keypoints, its just what i learned about writing short stories. Good description of the battles. 7/10 gj- Also, for those who read my comment, plz leave a comment after you read someone's story. I'm sure every author feels the same way I do. It's very disappointing when there are like 50 views and 3 comments. |
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| 8, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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ya, that last part is absolutely right. and i respect your opinion. and thats kinda funny, cause before i never had that much dialogue, but you never could understand the characters, so you couldnt feel anything for them (ie sorrow, pain, humor). I just felt like you never got to know them as well. thats just what i thought, i dont know. | ||||||
| 9, Silver1Penguin | |||||||
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Well, im not saying the dialogue is all that bad. Actually, just forget what i said, dont no how to word it. And, i just wanted to point this out, this story had nothing really to do with a cerebrate, and by the rate the story is going, this is gonna be a pretty long serial. I think it could have been a bit longer and covered more parts of your plot, because most of the people dont bother to look back from chapter one. And if it dont make sense to them(which is most of the case), they don't appreciate the story as much. THats pretty much why i gave up writing serials and started writing shortstories. But serials, if they are really, really good, are appreciated much more than the short story, so my point is, try to make every chapter of your serial makes sense in itself. i think this could be a really good serial. keep it up! |
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| 10, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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i understand entirely. ive had this problem before i left. i just needed a title, i apologize because this actually has little to do with cerebrates, except the end and a short middle part. This will be fairly long. I write serials because it lets me develop the characters, and it allows me to see how a character might) <|@<|@t. I know dialogue can be boring, thats why i make some of the characters complete jackasses (namely: Lt. Jack) ya, i want people to enjoy it, but the thing it, someone who actually reads any entire series will get more out of it than had they read only 1. yup. i have nothing else to add, besides: what are your stories? wtf. my comment is screwed up, but ya, i found your story |
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| 11, Silver1Penguin | |||||||
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I'll be sure to read it all. I'll be reading as much new fic as i can, and comment on it. its my new policy. Some of the stories are really good(like this one), its a good way to spend my time. well, may stories are vengeance on Mar Sara. Got 1 good comment, the other not so good. And u can see my other stories, but there not that good. Ghost TErminator series got a lot of good comment(the 1st atleast, as always), and i think the Carrier is pretty good too. Dont read Second Wars. I messed up a lot on my attempt to write a scifi story. |
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| 12, 5Daimyo | |||||||
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Okay, protogod. It's not about style (which your's is streamline, low-budget, Hollywood), it is about how the story is executed and if it is executed is the story itself anygood. Do you make me like the characters? Love them? Hate them? There is nothing character-wise in this story. Nothing. We got a couple of FIGURES, clay-clumps ready to be molded; but as of now: nothing. That's why you inject humor, hate, jealousy etc. into characters --- to make them characters! Nobody likes to read about shallow Joe and Jane Schmo who have no personality whatsoever. I want to know that Joe loves Jane, but she's in love with Tom, but Tom is a murderer but Jane wont believe Joe when he tells her this, then it turns out Joe >is< Tom and Joe murders himself to end it all. Now THAT is character, plot, and most important of all: interesting. Took me roughly twenty-seconds to think that out and map it. Characters are >the< driving force for most readers, especially myself. Sure the action can be awesome (Bane/Bounty Hunter), but what I want in my stories is something I can relate to, hate, or love. As for what I was saying about the future: this story shows me none. It shows me absolutely nothing. I'm just being honest. I'm not saying that you should stop writing or anything of that nature, I just don't see ANYTHING to look forward to with <this> story. However, keep writing, ESPECIALLY if you enjoy it. |
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| 13, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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them's fightin words partner (dont ask, they really arent i just always wanted to say that) i am glad that you were able to state our views eloquently, and not being a jackass (like im about to sound like), however... that plot you made up is so run of the mill and yet complex. mine isnt exactly new, but its just as new as yours, and easier to write. as for "streamline, low-budget, hollywood" that was just too far. you essentially said that I am no better than the director of AVP, and that is something that I will not tolerate. you are welcome to your opinion, but it is just that, YOUR FUCKING OPINION. A: style of writing makes a huge difference in the story B: THIS IS THE FIRST FUCKING CHAPTER, im sorry i didnt show you all the characters in their exactness C: this story shows no future? Fuck that. There isnt even a thing i can counter that rash generalization with D: yes, i actually have seen a lot of things like: guy loves girl, girl loves other guy, other guy is just using girl, girl thin's the first guy is just trying to make them break up. E: we'll just see how this turns out, lets just leave it at that. |
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| 14, 5Daimyo | |||||||
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Not fighting words, protogod, just criticism. Take it well, no reason to attack a reader when the point is trying to keep one. Stream-line 'low budget' Hollywood means, in my mind: a rather simplistic nature with mediocre action/plot/character etc. etc. That is just what I think this story is. Others may not, and, of course, I know it is all my <|@< And if you want to truly retaliate, read a few of my newest stories (The Brown Canvas and The Story of a Saint series) and have at it: I actually enjoy criticism. |
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| 15, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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i find it hard to believe that you like criticism. as far as fighting words, i was bored. | ||||||
| 16, DragonZ200 | |||||||
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Hey! This is good! i'll give ya a 9/10. oh. i almost forgot. could you please give me some fan fiction tips? peace, DragonZ200 |
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| 17, 5Daimyo | |||||||
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I enjoy criticism cause it shows my lacking in certain areas. It makes me a better writer because not only do I improve those areas, but I become determined to top whatever I had last completed. Those who take criticism with a grain of salt end up going nowhere, no matter if it's in writing or business management. The only one with "fightin'" words here is you, protogod. The only author of this story is you, protogod. Not a good mix. |
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| 18, Silver1Penguin | |||||||
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um protogod, can you read my other stories? Go to Second War on the pop list and read my other stories. none of them got much comment, cause there werent many people during that time. | ||||||
| 19, Dragonknight123 | |||||||
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YES!!! NO DISICPLINES!! BRING SCIFI BACK!!!! Wait...oops sorry. | ||||||
| 20, Disciple1 | |||||||
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Yes We are here too... We are every where... All those who want scifi back help us in our rebellion! This injustice! No one should be banned from a site for saying their point of view. Its against the Constitution of the United States for God sakes!!! So all who want to fight this injustice state so!! Fight With us!!! | ||||||
| 21, Desciple2 | |||||||
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SAY IT LOUD!! WE'RE OBSESSIVE AND WE'RE PROUD!! | ||||||
| 22, Silver1Penguin | |||||||
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Desciple, you don't have to be that obssessed with it, but i agree, scififreak should be unbanned. THE WAR IS FREAKING OVER!!! Scififreak can be unbanned now! ADMINS PLZ BRING SCIFI BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 23, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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SHUT THE FUCK UP DISCIPLES! look, i understand we need scifi back, just stay away from my stories, this wont help anything, ur just being an ass. | ||||||
| 24, GriffonHeart | |||||||
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I think DragonKnight123 must tell the Desciples where to go, every time he says they aren't there they come![]() -Griff |
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| 25, Desciple2 | |||||||
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We serve no one but lord SciFiFreak!! DragonKnight has nothing to do with this!! SCIFI MINE FUREROR!!! | ||||||
| 26, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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oh thats it: its "fuhrer" you dumbass. itz vein aine reich! but really, stay the hell out of my story. what is wrong with you "disciples" dont worship him. he's not a god. he was an awesome guy, but not some kind of demigod. | ||||||
| 27, Desciple2 | |||||||
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Well you would know wouldn't you? NAZI!!! | ||||||
| 28, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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yes, i would know, because as everyone knows anyone who speaks german is a nazi. well, i hail you "mine fureror" btw, it is also mein, not mine. and you miraculously focused on the sentence of german, as oppesed to explaining yourself as to y ur flaming. | ||||||
| 29, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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HUZZAH, lord be praised, scifi has returned! | ||||||
| 30, Drahlyknt | |||||||
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He's back? | ||||||
| 31, SciFifreak92 | |||||||
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indeed i am. may the force be with you |
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| 32, SAfricanPenguins | |||||||
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yay! scifi's back! | ||||||
| 33, Ihatezerg | |||||||
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I give it a 6/10. No offence, but all blood and no build up stories just don't show any talent - and you are among the best writers on the site. You can write wonderfully well assuming you are the guy who wrote the vessel series and the sole survivor. This just... didn't live up to those standards. It was like a FPS game only a story. There literally was no build-up, just a 'they suddenly heard a siren and the lights went wed.' Neither was there much character development, nor (as with Bane) did anyone but the main charcater seem to have any chances. Okay, so it had good grammar and spelling, but that isnt everything. So try a little harder next time. | ||||||
| 34, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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i understand. there have been mixed feeling about all my stories. I actually do appreciate the compliments about my other serieses (spelling?), and i know that the charachter buildup is differendt in each one. thats why I wrote them as separate series. In the sole survivor, I was looking for more urgency, in the vessel i was looking for more of a horror movie style, as in never knowing where this horrible creature will strike next. here, the reason it doesnt seem great is that it's generic, I had no real inspiration, no horror movie style, just your average story. i only returned cause I miss writing for the people here. I still havent had any actuall inspiration. | ||||||
| 35, HybridTh3ry | |||||||
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I need opinion.....should I post my new story...or should I keep it....just need a yes or no....thx. | ||||||
| 36, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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post it | ||||||
| 37, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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fascinating, is THIS really one of the best we have? i write my stories for like half an hour. theyre awesome, yes, but thissi the first thingive written since i got back. | ||||||
| 38, Richardc269 | |||||||
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It was a little hard to follow at first, but I kinda got the jist of it. Description put me off for a second, but it was good nonetheless. 9/10. | ||||||
| 39, Protogod (Senior Moderator) | |||||||
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for anyone who said this was good: read actual books for awhile, looking back, this story really is crap-tastic | ||||||

















