The Fall of the Queen of Blades: Part 1
Author: Dem0nS1ayer
Comments: 6 (Watch for comments!, Add to favorites)
Views: 1904
**Note** This story takes place after the events of Broodwar. Raynor is pissed at Kerrigan for killing Fenix and she has just shown the universe what she is capable of by wiping out the entire UED fleet. Raynor will do anything to get rid of Kerrigan... Not everything in this story is based off of Broodwar. Some made up things will be included.
"I can't believe her!" Raynor thought to himself. "How could she take out Fenix after all he did for her?!" Raynor had been sitting in The Hyperion thinking things through. He knew he had to kill "The Queen of Blades"... he just didn't know how... The only thing he could come up with a head-on assault straight into Kerrigan's brood with a couple hundred Terrans, but he knew that was quick suicide.
"Commander Raynor?" Raynor quickly turned to his door. It was Lt. Harkson, Raynor's trusty companion. Peeking through the door, he said, "It is time for the ceremony." After Duke had been killed and the Protoss and Terran bases were left in ruin, Raynor quickly landed and searched around in hopes of finding Fenix and possibly saving him. He found Fenix, but it was too late. Fenix lay there, slaughtered, with blood everywhere. He and his group of Protoss hadn’t had a chance…
As Raynor left his room in The Hyperion, he came across a strange passageway he had never seen before. “What in the world…?” Raynor said to himself. I know I’ve examined every inch of this ship and even looked at the blueprints. What was this strange hallway, and where had it come from? Right above the hallway, there was a sign that read, “189” “What in the world could that mean?” Raynor asked. “Our hallways aren’t numbered…” Raynor wasn’t going to miss his best friend’s funeral, but he had to know what was in that hall. “I have to go down there… Even though I know I’ll be damned when I do.” Missing a warrior’s ceremony was one the worst actions in the Terran world…
Raynor walked down the hallway and noticed the hall was getting colder and colder as he went on. “Ah.. I can’t do it… I can’t miss the funeral.” Raynor said. Just as he was turning around and walking the other way, something shot past him! He looked to see what it was, and noticed that it was a green, acid-like liquid. “Oh no!” Raynor quickly said to himself as he realized with the acid was. He quickly ran towards the intercom. “Attention all Terran Fighters, code red! There are Zerg on board!” Raynor spoke as he looked around cautiously to make sure the Zerg Hydralisk that attacked him wasn’t sneaking up on him like one did when Fenix was a Zealot.
“Damn them! Just when the funeral was starting, they have to ruin everything!” Raynor said in anger. “Well they’re not going to ruin anymore!”
“Raynor!” said a voice behind Jim. It was Lt. Harkson. “We’ve got a situation outside!”
“What? What type of situation.?” asked Raynor.
“Well, let’s just say, you might want to see it for yourself.” Lt. Harkson told him.
Raynor quickly went to the closed window. He pressed the “open” button on the wall and gazed out into space with disbelief. It was Kerrigan’s brood, every last Mutalisk, Scourge, and Overlord filled with units! “Oh, my god… we can’t defend ourselves against this!” Raynor exclaimed. Raynor couldn’t believe he was doing this, but he did it anyways. He once again ran for the intercom, but this time it wasn’t for an attack command. “All Fighters, abandon ship, I repeat abandon ship!”
“Raynor! What are you doing?!” asked Lt. Harkson. Have you forgotten about our secret weapon?”
“What? What secret weapon?” Raynor asked in a confused way.
“You know… the one kept in Hallway 189?”
“Hallway 189? What?! I don’t understand! What weapon are you talking about?!” Raynor yelled. The sounds of Zerg ripping human flesh was getting louder and louder and Raynor couldn’t take it anymore.
“We’ve never used it before.” Explained Lt. Harkson. “It’s for emergencies only.”
“Well I think right now is a pretty important emergency!” Raynor yelled. “Tell me how to use it!”
“You have to go to the cockpit and enter a code!” Lt Harkson yelled back.
“Well, what’s the code?!” Raynor asked.
“It’s 293-AC30-20- AHHH!!” Just as Harkson was about to finish saying the code, he let out a tremendous scream. There was a Zergling behind him, ripping out his spine.
“HARKSON!!!” Raynor yelled. He quickly picked up with gun and let loose on the Zergling. Within seconds, the “ling” was dead, but so was Harkson…
“Damn it!” Raynor said, both mad at the Zerg and disappointed at himself for not seeing the vile creature. “I was staring right at him! How could I have not seen the Zergling?!” He asked in frustration. He had no time to pity his lost friend. He quickly picked up Harkson and put him in an escape pod. He looked at the computer screen and looked for the nearest planet. “What…? Tarsonis?” Raynor said in disbelief. The last time he had heard the name of that planet, it was right before Kerrigan was taken. “Ah.. whatever.” Raynor said. He set the escape pod to deploy in five minutes and also set it to land on Tarsonis. Once again, Raynor spoke on the intercom. “Abandon ship to Tarsonis, I repeat, abandon ship to Tarsonis... AND DO NOT FORGET FENIX!” More and more Zerglings were coming near Raynor. He had to get off the ship. He set the ship to self-destruct in 15 minutes. “I may never find out what the secret weapon is, but at least these Zerg will die! Raynor boarded an escape pod and left his battleship. As he drifted off to Tarsonis, he saw his precious ship explode, leaving everything near it into nothing more than dust. A tear ran down Raynor's cheek, because he knew what he had to do what more than impossible...
"I can't believe her!" Raynor thought to himself. "How could she take out Fenix after all he did for her?!" Raynor had been sitting in The Hyperion thinking things through. He knew he had to kill "The Queen of Blades"... he just didn't know how... The only thing he could come up with a head-on assault straight into Kerrigan's brood with a couple hundred Terrans, but he knew that was quick suicide.
"Commander Raynor?" Raynor quickly turned to his door. It was Lt. Harkson, Raynor's trusty companion. Peeking through the door, he said, "It is time for the ceremony." After Duke had been killed and the Protoss and Terran bases were left in ruin, Raynor quickly landed and searched around in hopes of finding Fenix and possibly saving him. He found Fenix, but it was too late. Fenix lay there, slaughtered, with blood everywhere. He and his group of Protoss hadn’t had a chance…
As Raynor left his room in The Hyperion, he came across a strange passageway he had never seen before. “What in the world…?” Raynor said to himself. I know I’ve examined every inch of this ship and even looked at the blueprints. What was this strange hallway, and where had it come from? Right above the hallway, there was a sign that read, “189” “What in the world could that mean?” Raynor asked. “Our hallways aren’t numbered…” Raynor wasn’t going to miss his best friend’s funeral, but he had to know what was in that hall. “I have to go down there… Even though I know I’ll be damned when I do.” Missing a warrior’s ceremony was one the worst actions in the Terran world…
Raynor walked down the hallway and noticed the hall was getting colder and colder as he went on. “Ah.. I can’t do it… I can’t miss the funeral.” Raynor said. Just as he was turning around and walking the other way, something shot past him! He looked to see what it was, and noticed that it was a green, acid-like liquid. “Oh no!” Raynor quickly said to himself as he realized with the acid was. He quickly ran towards the intercom. “Attention all Terran Fighters, code red! There are Zerg on board!” Raynor spoke as he looked around cautiously to make sure the Zerg Hydralisk that attacked him wasn’t sneaking up on him like one did when Fenix was a Zealot.
“Damn them! Just when the funeral was starting, they have to ruin everything!” Raynor said in anger. “Well they’re not going to ruin anymore!”
“Raynor!” said a voice behind Jim. It was Lt. Harkson. “We’ve got a situation outside!”
“What? What type of situation.?” asked Raynor.
“Well, let’s just say, you might want to see it for yourself.” Lt. Harkson told him.
Raynor quickly went to the closed window. He pressed the “open” button on the wall and gazed out into space with disbelief. It was Kerrigan’s brood, every last Mutalisk, Scourge, and Overlord filled with units! “Oh, my god… we can’t defend ourselves against this!” Raynor exclaimed. Raynor couldn’t believe he was doing this, but he did it anyways. He once again ran for the intercom, but this time it wasn’t for an attack command. “All Fighters, abandon ship, I repeat abandon ship!”
“Raynor! What are you doing?!” asked Lt. Harkson. Have you forgotten about our secret weapon?”
“What? What secret weapon?” Raynor asked in a confused way.
“You know… the one kept in Hallway 189?”
“Hallway 189? What?! I don’t understand! What weapon are you talking about?!” Raynor yelled. The sounds of Zerg ripping human flesh was getting louder and louder and Raynor couldn’t take it anymore.
“We’ve never used it before.” Explained Lt. Harkson. “It’s for emergencies only.”
“Well I think right now is a pretty important emergency!” Raynor yelled. “Tell me how to use it!”
“You have to go to the cockpit and enter a code!” Lt Harkson yelled back.
“Well, what’s the code?!” Raynor asked.
“It’s 293-AC30-20- AHHH!!” Just as Harkson was about to finish saying the code, he let out a tremendous scream. There was a Zergling behind him, ripping out his spine.
“HARKSON!!!” Raynor yelled. He quickly picked up with gun and let loose on the Zergling. Within seconds, the “ling” was dead, but so was Harkson…
“Damn it!” Raynor said, both mad at the Zerg and disappointed at himself for not seeing the vile creature. “I was staring right at him! How could I have not seen the Zergling?!” He asked in frustration. He had no time to pity his lost friend. He quickly picked up Harkson and put him in an escape pod. He looked at the computer screen and looked for the nearest planet. “What…? Tarsonis?” Raynor said in disbelief. The last time he had heard the name of that planet, it was right before Kerrigan was taken. “Ah.. whatever.” Raynor said. He set the escape pod to deploy in five minutes and also set it to land on Tarsonis. Once again, Raynor spoke on the intercom. “Abandon ship to Tarsonis, I repeat, abandon ship to Tarsonis... AND DO NOT FORGET FENIX!” More and more Zerglings were coming near Raynor. He had to get off the ship. He set the ship to self-destruct in 15 minutes. “I may never find out what the secret weapon is, but at least these Zerg will die! Raynor boarded an escape pod and left his battleship. As he drifted off to Tarsonis, he saw his precious ship explode, leaving everything near it into nothing more than dust. A tear ran down Raynor's cheek, because he knew what he had to do what more than impossible...
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Out of 6 voters, most think this story is Good!
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Other stories by this author: |
| 1, RearAdmirel | |||||||
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Why the hell are all these Raynor's Raiders stories popping up? Hmm. Ok I guess. My time is swift for now. This looks alot like my Raynor's Raiders story for starting off. Still you gotta work on it. I'll critique later on when I have more time =} Kill Your Idols, -RearAdmirel |
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| 2, RearAdmirel | |||||||
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Hmm You're new and young I see. Not a bad story so far. It's just grammer issues and other stuff. I am currently working on a Raynor's Raiders fiction story of my own =] I had my own issues of writing when I came to this site a month ago. Someone else named X9 was also working on a Raynor's Raiders series which made popular fiction for a Long Time. I had submitted Four Chapters of My Raynor's Raiders and ppl Critiqued all of them, at least 20 comments on every page. People like AttomicKitten, Haladras, and even X9 himself, they all critiqued my story. I didn't get Exeptional =\ but at least I got Good :] I took my critism and advice well and all that is being turned into a HUGE improvement over my next fiction I hope to be submitting. Now I am going to take time and critique your Story. "**Note** This story takes place after the events of Broodwar. Raynor is pissed at Kerrigan for killing Fenix and she has just shown the universe what she is capable of by wiping out the entire UED fleet. Raynor will do anything to get rid of Kerrigan... Not everything in this story is based off of Broodwar. Some made up things will be included." Not exactly a way to start off a series...unless this is supposed to be a small serial. Ok the part saying "Not everything in this story is based off of Broodwar. Some made up things will be included." Not really needed. Reader's will figure it out as they go along with the story. It's "FAN FICTION" XD Anouther example ""I can't believe her!" Raynor thought to himself. "How could she take out Fenix after all he did for her?!" Raynor had been sitting in The Hyperion thinking things through. He knew he had to kill "The Queen of Blades"... he just didn't know how... The only thing he could come up with a head-on assault straight into Kerrigan's brood with a couple hundred Terrans, but he knew that was quick suicide. " Bruh this section has too many statements in the paragraph. Usually each paragraph only has one statement or quotations, and when there are Statements, they start off a new line. In the middle you did a good job with that but in the beginning and end.. nah. "Just as Harkson was about to finish saying the code, he let out a tremendous scream. There was a Zergling behind him, ripping out his spine.“HARKSON!!!” Raynor yelled. He quickly picked up with gun and let loose on the Zergling. Within seconds, the “ling” was dead, but so was Harkson…" *That sounded *icky* I'm not talking about the scence. I'm talking about the sentance structure. I'm am going to rewrite those few sentances and make it into a wide explanation.. " Just as he was going to finish the code he had let out a scream of unbearable agony, a Zergling had furiously ripped his spine along with other body organs. Harkson tried to scream harder at his misery but instead Blood gurgled out of his mouth. At his last breath his body collapsed to the ground. "HARKSON!!!..." Raynor screamed at the disbelief that his longtime companion had just been killed. Without hesitation Raynor had aimed his D-14 Impaler Gauss Rifle and 12mm Armor-peircing rounds exploded out of his barrel. In seconds the salvo had shattered the Alien's Carapace and made the Zergling into a pile of flesh, gore, blood, and ichor confetti" See? I'll see if I critique later more on this writing. Try to make longer, do the second chapter if you please. Read My Raynor's Raiders and X9's Raynor's Raiders ok. Look at the comments on mines and X9's fiction pieces. There will be others out there to critique your fiction. I didn't necessarily say that your beginning was the same as mines. It's just about how this is your first piece of fiction and you are experiencing problems that I had. =] Don't worry though. Work on part two of your story, you will get better over time. I will even help you if needed. Try to use more sophisticated words and try to get more of a professional structure. Yeah I know I'm probably bein a bit of a hippocrat but I'm better with being objective than subjective. I give this story an -Average-...so far. Cheers, RearAdmirel |
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| 3, units2 | |||||||
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this zerg runied the funeral they suck! you really have to work on your skills man. but i like pissing people off |
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| 4, X9 (Section Moderator) | |||||||
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Dear Demonslayer, Not bad. ;-) It was on the short side...and some scenes were rather stereotyped and cheesy...but...definately not "average" quality. "Good" at least. ;-) To even out the "average" vote... ~exceptional~ ;-) Later! Cheers, X9 |
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| 5, AzVortez | |||||||
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Some parts weren't so well written.. -avg- |
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| 6, Dem0nS1ayer | |||||||
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wow...this story sucks...lol | ||||||
















